Forbes recently put out a list of the top 100 powerhouse celebrities. While I can agree with some of the names on the list, others have left me wondering how these celebrities got recognition to begin with. Sure, some of the list was made up of people I felt were warranted choices. Of course, many of them were not.

I just cannot imagine myself choosing Dr. Phil or the girls from Desperate Housewives as a compilation list of the hottest celebrities in the world. Thus, in my musings I have decided that since Hollywood is plummeting further into a sea of embarrassment and becoming a celebrity persona is as easy as being a porno-making hotel heiress on her rise to fame, then I should make a new list.

This is a list of the most infamous celebrities. However, these celebrities shall not be known for their money, power, or shock appeal. Oh, no…these celebrities shall be known as The 30Biggest Dildos in the Limelight.

Please note: These are not the biggest Hollywood dildos ever. Instead, this is a top 30 of the Biggest Dildos of the 21st Century. However, one day I might go about making a longer list just to give notoriety to all those deserving, hardworking douche bags.

1. Paris Hilton - There is only so much I can say about Paris. She is definitely an original. A high school dropout, born of rich parents, Paris gained fame in her debut role….PORN! That’s right…Paris was first known for her made-at-home porno, though it should noted she’s now known for having an insane amount of Greek shipping heir boyfriends.

They created the term Celebutant for Paris, in celebration of ignorant princesses that have no ability to act, sing, or create anything memorable in their lives (other than bad Internet scammed pornography).

My hat goes off to you Paris. Rich or not you have proven that embarrassing white trash can come from rich and well-established families!

2. Tomkat - Tom and Katie are such worldwide powerhouses that it was impossible to forget them on this list. First, I just have to say that I love that Tom and Katie actually have a wider age gap than many of the teachers that have lately been busted for sleeping with their students.

Katie used to be a very pretty girl. I’ll admit that she was never one of my favorites, but she currently reminds me of a frumpy version of a Stepford wife. She’s Tom’s drone and it really hasn’t done much for her body or her complexion. I feel for her more than Tom seems to. Speaking of Tom, I know he’s around the age for a midlife crisis, but aren’t those supposed to consist of new, fancy cars and young girlfriends?

Why is it necessary to go crazy too? Pick up the memo, Tom. Scientology is a cult. It’s not a religion. It’s a Science fiction novel. I highly doubt you know everything about the history of medicine thanks to Scientology. That’s like overweight housewives saying they know all about interpersonal relationships thanks to the Lifetime Network.

3. Britney Spears - I will admit that while I have never really been a Britney fan it was her Dateline appearance that sealed her spot on this list. Her speaking ability was literally as impressive as a New York Cab Driver that has an English vocabulary of yes, no, and okay. The good news is that if this whole celebrity thing doesn’t work out, Britney can always take her toilet brush and apply at Molly Maids.

K-Fed (but you can call him Daddy) - Kevin Federline is truly an inspiration to us all. After all, it was hard to find someone as ignorant as Britney to put on this list. Kevin wants to grow up and be a rapper! That’s great, though I think he sort of reminds me why Vanilla Ice has been taking to seedy dance halls in Miami with a “Will dance for food” sign on his back.

Some people weren’t meant to rap. It takes skill and lyrical intelligence. Kevin seems to lack these things. The good news is though that as Mr. Spears, and sadly, no one would know his name if he wasn’t, he can always fall back on her money…or her future career as a maid.

Frankly, if I had a vote, Ubu would have been selected as World’s Sexiest Dog before I’d choose Taylor for anything. Not only was Ubu a handsome pooch, but he listens to boot….though of course there is Corky. If Chris Burke were still in the lime light he’d have my vote for the best bachelor for sure.

7. Mel Gibson - The Passion of the War that never Happened is the next movie slated on Mel’s calendar. In the 80’s Mel was well known for being in movies we watched…like Lethal Weapon, and then came The Passion. The Passion was one of the most watched movies ever, and with good reason.

You know…I’m thinking that as a religious person the best way I can show God I love him is to profit off him. I wonder if Gibson’s life coach was Jim Baker.

Irregardless, I could have handled knowing that another bad movie was made in Hollywood because that happens a lot, but letting your father go on TV and say the Jews all defected to Miami and there never really was a Holocaust…well, that was just in bad taste.

8. GW & his concubine - There is only so much I can say about George and Condie without sounding treasonous. Thus, I will try and keep this one brief. The two fearless leaders of our country are better known for their ignorance and content nature to let our world blow up in a fit of Global warming rather than their potential, budding, love affair. There are numerous pictures on the Internet where Condie is looking at George like he’s a taco. One has to wonder if she looks at all the monkeys in the zoo that way or if he’s just special.

9. Kelly Pickler - Who could forget American Idol’s fabulous, southern sweetheart, Kelly Pickler? Before Idol she was a roller-skating waitress at Sonic, and now she’s a national poster child for No Child Left Behind. She can sing country, but she has little ability to articulate her thoughts. While she loves to play around and burps like a man, she doesn’t know what calamari is because she dun never had those kinna eatins.

10. The Simpsons - If you’re thinking the cartoon family, think again, I like them. No, these Simpsons are Jessica and Ashlee. I am going to make this simple. Their relationship is a little…unhealthy looking. They hang on each other more than a junkie hangs on his heroin.

Jessica might be known for her long legs and ability to sexify Daisy Duke, but it was obvious that her acting ability left something to be desired. This is much like Ashlee’s voice, which is why Jessica is not going to be Daisy this time around and why Ashlee still can’t sing. Perhaps they could start a new gig, a performance art show that is a two-person revival of the Spice Girls.

11. Jennifer Aniston - I’ll be there for you..unless your name is Brad Pitt. Once Friends ended and Jennifer’s excellent movie career began, we were left wondering how the former Mrs. Pitt was going to survive the post-Friends era. All it took was one divorce, some tears, and a sympathetic America that lacked the foresight to see two sides of the same story.

14.Paula Deen - People that watch Food TV will be likely to remember this name. Paula runs a show called Home Cooking with Paula Deen. I will admit I have only seen it once. I often watch Food TV because I love some of their chefs…and then there’s Paula. She cooks from canned foods an awful lot and loves peas.

I don’t know if I was watching the pea episode or if she has more sponsorship from pea companies then George W. has from oil companies, but damn, peas were in and she was cooking them. I think the only thing that didn’t have peas was the dessert. In short, if you like bad Southern accents and peas, Paula won’t be a bad 30-minute time filler, but for everyone else…run!.

15. Star Jones - I once, was the biggest girl on Television and Jenny Craig helped me to lose 300 pounds safely in less than one year. It’s been a miracle to me and it could help you, too! Well, if I told you what it was.

I can tell you. It’s called Gastric Bypass. The only similarity to Jenny Craig is that you still have to pay for the additional cost of meals. I know you think you’re a genius Ms. Jones but don’t dumb us down, some of us are pretty bright as well, and like Rosie, we know your secret.

16. Lifetime TV and its one actress - Get out your bon bon’s girls because Lifetime TV is on! One of the happiest months of my life was when Lifetime wanted more money from Dish Network so they stopped airing this hideous woman’s network.

Those of you who watch it….you can’t be serious?! The only thing good on that Network is the Golden Girls. The movies are awful. Each one has the same starring actress…Cheryl Ladd.

She has made a career out of lifetime movies. Cheryl’s characters have had daughters in cults, prostitution rings, psychic daughters, and daughters that ran away from home to be with boys from the Internet.

Luckily, she has always been independently wealthy so she could track down her kid and save her. Just once I’d like to see a Lifetime movie with a mom that had six kids, one of which was a stripper in a cult, but the mom was on welfare and worked at Burger King so she just couldn’t save the day.

17. The Jacksons - There must have been something in the water at this house because these kids have all grown up to be a little…off. Okay, I take that back. I like Janet.

Michael is a budding child molester who is sad that he did not have a childhood. It wasn’t his fault. It was hard raising his family. Michael is so weird he named his son Prince Michael. All I can say is, that’s original. Speaking of baby names, his brother, Jermaine is the proud father of Jermajesty. You have to wonder if they came up with these gems themselves or they worked together.

Then we have Latoya who is a Hollywood Story waiting to happen. I just found out she’s a singer now, though I am sure she’ll be more remembered for being in Playboy and being a psychic friend.

In addition to cutting her family tree in half when it’s appropriate for her, she goes from winning an Oscar to playing Cat Woman. I thought the demeaning sexist roles were before you became popular and not after? Seems her family values aren’t the only ones that are screwed, her work ethic is off, too.

Oh, and need we forget Whoopi Goldberg who WAS the first African American woman to win an Oscar period? Whoopi was a breakthrough performer and Halle needs to quit taking away the recognition she deserves.

21. Mary Kate & Ashley - These twins captured our hearts during their Full House days. They were cute, funny (despite a limited vocabulary), and spunky enough to keep us watching. Mary Kate & Ashley kept the show going despite three boring bachelors and two additional children, one whom looked like they were going to grow to have an eating disorder and the other was so annoying you wanted to stab her with a spork so her lips would swell and she would shut up.

Michelle Tanner truly stole the show. The problem is that nearly 20 years later they are still trying to play Michelle Tanner. You got it Dude! - Well, no not really, you don’t. and what you do have, we don’t want to catch.

22. Paula Abdul - Paula used to be a cold-hearted snake but now she’s the sympathetic pop star. Anyone that has watched American Idol knows how sweet Paula can be. She laughs, she cries, she dances, she swears she’s your biggest fan. She loved Chris and Elliott, and this guy and that. I think the only person she really dissed this year was Kelly Pickler.

While I could diss her for possibly sleeping with the slimy, Cory Clark, I won’t because I’m more concerned with her feeding the false hopes of future little Paulas. No snap, no crackle, just pop.

23. Oprah - I’m big. I’m small. I’m big. I’m small. I have more ups and downs than a Cedar Point rollercoaster. That’s right, I’m Oprah. Someone needs to take her off the air once and for all. She’s a lifetimesque media mogul that tends to think she is more important than she is.

I will admit she has done some good. She puts rapists and child molesters on the screen. Of course, she also endorses lying authors and justifies her actions. She is considerably terse with rappers, for example. Just ask Ice Cube. Three times running he’s had reason to be on her show. She even had the entire cast of Barbershop on her show. Well, except for the lead that is. The worst mistake we can ever make is forgetting where we came from, and dear Oprah seems like she has succeeded.

24. Chef - So, there I was locked in a closet…Wait that was Chef on South Park. This is all about Isaac Hayes. The voice of Chef used to bring a good deal to the show South Park. He taught the kids all about sex and used to try and whore himself out to the town’s white women. He even tried to tackle Ms. Crabtree, proving that Chef really had some chocolate salty balls.

Isaac on the other hand is a little ball-less in my opinion. He didn’t have a problem pretending to tell kids things about sex, being a male whore, participating in racial stereotypes, or making fun of Christians and Jews. However, Chef believes you bastards made fun of Scientology, so screw you guys! I’m going home!

25. Tawny Katan - The Surreal Life really showed Tawny’s true colors. Normally I wouldn’t have placed Tawny on this list because she isn’t much more than a failing, older model that made a name for dry humping cars in White Snake videos. However, the Surreal Life has shown how she has aged.

Tawny isn’t aging gracefully. In fact, she appears quite hateful, childish, and pathetic on more than one occasion. Of course, this was shown full force on television. She reminded me of someone with a job in the White House. Perhaps she should stop reminiscing about dry humping cars, put on a nice suit, and become an intern. She’d fit right in.

26. Tara Reid - Dum, dum, dum, dum. I am sure you’re getting my point. Every now and then you have to wonder how some people got into Hollywood. My guess is the casting couch of love is still intact. This is especially true in the case of Tara Reid. Some people think Tara is cute and that’s fine.

Fortunately, there is a much bigger percentage aware of one little problem. She can’t act. She ruins every movie she’s in, and she’s known for making herself look a tad dense in public. What more could you want from a Hollywood celebrity?

“It would be the ultimate dream for me to win an Academy Award, be in love and have kids. Then I would say, ‘Life is great! I have done everything I wanted.’ I keep trying to get closer to that. I also think when that happens, people will finally leave me alone.” - A quote from Miss Reid herself.

Someone needs to offer her more acting classes. The first ones didn’t work.

27. Paul Walker - I have just put the male Tara Reid on this list. No I’m not saying he’s a party girl. I am not even calling him stupid because I don’t know that much about him off set. On set, I do know that he seems to act the same in every movie he makes. The problem is, every movie does have a somewhat different theme. He sort of reminds me of Johnny Utah, a character in Point Break. The high surfer type that is overly laid back and slow on the draw.

28. Mariah Carey - After Mariah had her breakdown some of us secretly hoped that she had cracked and just wouldn’t be coming home. Unfortunately, Mimi is back with her new persona and better than ever, or at least she thinks so. She has come back with a stylish new look….that can only be described as fat.

It is true (as confirmed by Mimi herself on Mojo in the Morning), some people have been calling her fat so now she’s on a diet. This New York girl tends to make more of a splash for who she marries or whose lap she is sitting on. Of course, now she’s going back to acting.

It’s rumored this Glitter girl will be in a new movie called Tennessee. They were going to use Janet Jackson, but they needed someone a little heftier so Mariah was the better choice. I hope this rumor is true. I can’t wait to see Mariah as a country singer. It will be almost as laughable as her in Glitter or as a one of the Wise Girls.

>29. Gwyneth Paltrow - Gwyneth was a good actress, and then she met a singer named Chris. Chris and Gwyneth fell in love and all was well…until the Apple fell from the tree so to speak.

Why anyone would name their child Apple is beyond me. I have heard of people choosing a name based on the first thing the mother thinks. Still, this is a little out there. Luckily, most children of celebrities end up going to private school. Perhaps, Moses, the holy second child will be large enough to protect his seedy sister from being picked (on) in the orchard.

30. Vin Diesel - I am a huge Vin Diesel fan, so in a short way it pained me to place him on this list. However, I wanted to be fair. There is one movie in Diesel’s collection I will never own, ever. The remake to Kindergarden Cop..Oh, I’m sorry, I meant The Pacifier.

This was such a let down for one major reason. Vin is an action star that I firmly believe could actually act if given the right role. He’s done a few decent movies, but compared to most he has not paid his Hollywood dues, so rather than wait he decided to jump ship from the action parts and move into comedy. It didn’t work for Sly and it didn’t work for Vin.

Vin is amazing, and while I’m still a fan, I’m hoping that he will wait for a better movie to cross over into comedy next time, and no this does not mean he should play Dorie in the live version of Finding Nemo, on Broadway.

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