So much for getting off to a roaring start. A Christmas disaster postponed my 700 Club re-cap debut. Apparently, a spark of divine intervention knocked out my cable and internet just as I was ready to start. Our relief came yesterday as the Time-Warner guy sauntered up the ladder to replace a line that had been spliced by the electric company.

So, where the hell is Pat Robertson? Today’s episode featured hosts Gordon Robertson and Terry Meeuwsen.

She was instantly pulled in. Bridget eventually joined the Urban Outreach church. It was here that she met Pastor Ken, who took her into his home and helped Bridget put her life back together. Bridget is doing well. Now she leads worship services and attends bible college. After this heart-wrenching segment, Terry took the opportunity to let us know that Bridget was not strong enough to save her own life. It was only God who spoke to her, and who could save her.

Now the one who created the universe was speaking to me. So let us pray. Terry led us in a solemn prayer in which she exclaimed, "I want the blood of Jesus to fall on me". Gross. Terry also had the chance to plug the pamphlet, "A Higher Calling", which was free and put together just for me. Thank you, but right now I am just thanking god that I am not Bridget.

Another CBN newsbreak started with a story on the Somalian crisis, followed by the placement of a cross at William and Mary College, and ending with a group of people who are retracing the steps of Abraham.

Then came Nick, "The Lame Boy". Nick suffered a deep cut on his leg that seemed like it would never heal. After being hobbled and tormented by this injury for sometime, Nick also considered suicide. That is, until his friend invited him over to watch the 700 Club.

During this episode, Nick prayed with Pat Robertson and he was miraculously healed. And you thought watching TV was bad for you. Of course not, and for $20.00 a month you can watch "Foundations of Faith", a four hour DVD barrage of inspiring propaganda.

If Nick and Bridget did not get your collective emotions running, then let me introduce, "Ben the Skydiver". Ben suffered a midair collision with a friend while skydiving that ultimately, killed his friend, and put Ben in the hospital for three months. While in the hospital, he underwent fifteen operations, and his leg had to be amputated below the knee.

After returning home, Ben became, "selfish", according to Terry, and started struggling with school and fighting with his stepfather. Then Ben, like his toiled comrades from the show, considered suicide. I am sensing a theme here, but do not fret, Ben was saved by an invitation to church from his mother. Ben still skydives, and found a church where he can worship with young people his age who enjoy extreme sports. How cool is that?

Terry followed this harrowing tale with another pamphlet, "Think Boldly, Move Boldly", containing stories just like the one we just saw. "Just ask for the boulder", Terry cried out to the camera, in an excellent Freudian slip.

Our final segment today was a piece about a woman who suffered from chronic migraines. I never had one myself, but I have a friend who has them on a weekly basis. Apparently, he does not watch the 700 Club. I’ll suggest it to him.

Finally, it was time for Gordon’s favorite part of the show (and mine). Let the healing begin. Today Gordon encouraged us to think big, and proclaimed that "big" is possible. So how "big", is possible? Well, "big" is a rotator cuff, a pinched nerve in the neck, and a bad case of Mesothelioma. Okay, so maybe he was close on the last one, but when I think big, I think of cancer. But let’s face it, Gordon is no Pat Robertson.

The show was closed with a passage from Proverbs 30:5

"Every word of God is pure. He is a shield to those who put their trust in him"

On tap for tomorrow: "actor" Stephen Baldwin.

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