Kids speak

When a couple make that big decision to become parents, or have that decision thrust upon them at the whim of Mother Nature, the tendency is to picture the pleasantries of parenting; little Johnny learning to ride a bike, or Susie saying Mama for the first time, the soft sweetness of a freshly bathed infant, and the sticky kisses of an exuberant toddler. But there is one thing about parenting that none ever think of, and that we all should remember; namely, the bizarre sentences that we never imagined ourselves saying, let alone repeating more than once.

Highlights of my parenting career so far include “Please, don’t lick the cat”, “Stop drawing on your brother” and other admonitions I am unlikely to ever remember due to their obscurity. I am pretty sure there was one involving a hippopotamus that I wish I’d written down.

When I was a child and we’d ask my mother what was for dinner, her stock answer would be “Snake’s bum and biscuit”. This tickled my prepubescent fancy, particularly because my mother, as a vicar’s wife, was a very politely spoken lady, who’d never be seen to say the word “bum” in public. I realised the other day that this has been my standard answer to the whined dinner query, when this conversation took place:

Kid 1 -What’s for dinner, Mum?

Me - Snake’s bum and biscuit.

Kid 1 - I’m having the biscuit!

Kid 2 - Dibs the snake!

Kid 3 - Awww! Why do I have to have the bum? Not fair!

Then there was the huge fight in the car, where I actually had to pull over to console a child whose brother had eaten her imaginary cupcake. “It’s pretend food. You just have to pretend he didn’t eat it. Really, Sweetie, please don’t cry about pretend food being pretend eaten.”

On further reflection, I think I might start a journal of strange conversations in our house. It will make excellent material for 21st birthday parties and weddings.

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