12 (Humorous and/or Pathetic) Reasons Why Gay Marriage Can Never Be Allowed

I think the title here says it all. So rather than drudge on with specifics, let’s hop right into the list, shall we?

1. First it’s the gays then it will be the horses, dogs, and farm animals - Naturally, everyone knows that if we let a gay man marry a man or a lesbian couple get married it will lead to animal lovers marrying chickens, dogs, and who knows what else. Therefore, by not allowing gay marriage we are doing our world duty to stop bestiality.

2. Incest will become common place – While bestiality would certainly be bad enough, it is necessary to never allow gay marriage because of the possibility that siblings and relatives will take it as their opportunity to get their equal rights. Gone will be the days of sharing family bathing time. Instead they will want equal rights to share their love in public, too, and it will be our fault because it all started with the gays.

3. Marriage is a sacred right between a man and woman – Everyone knows that in the U.S. marriage has always been between a man and a woman. Ignore the fact that this particular brand of marriage is a Christian concept and not all people, American or otherwise, are Christian. It simply should not matter. The point is the U.S. has never allowed it (just like blacks and whites could not get married) and we should not allow it now!

4. Homosexuality is unnatural – If it doesn’t happen in nature it should not happen with humans. Gay marriage is an agenda set to ruin society as we know it. If there are not gay penguins, gay whales, gay vultures, chimps, or other animals then there cannot logically be gay men or women.

5. If gays can marry they will have kids and they will make more gay people – Naturally, gay people will make their kids gay. Gay people are really just straight because their parents were straight, but they are pretending to be gay because they must really hate their parents. However, this façade will create real gay people when they raise these kids. Unless, of course, the kids hate their parents enough to pretend to be straight…then they will have the last laugh.

6. Gay marriage removes the validity of straight marriage – Marriage is an institution to be taken absolutely seriously. Gay people switch partners too much, thinking they are in love and then soon realize they are not. This would create higher levels of divorce which are unnecessary. Now if they could take marriage as seriously as Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman (5 months), Lisa Marie Presley and Nicolas Cage (3 ½ months), Drew Barrymore and Jeremy Thomas (1 month), Cher and Gregg Allman (9 Days), Dennis Hopper and Michelle Phillips (8 days) and Britney Spears and Jason Alexander (married for a lifetime known as 55 minutes) then maybe we could allow it, but until we are certain their commitments are strong it would be considered wrong.

7. Gay marriage is a sin according to God – I am sure that I don’t need to translate all of the parts of the Bible to you that state that homosexuality is a sin. (Please ignore that there was not a word for homosexuality in Greece when the Bible was written and that male bonding was a common practice among men). That being said, we have never allowed shaving our beards, cutting our hair, eating shellfish or pork, so how on earth can you expect us to forgive the biggest non-documented sin of all?

8. The foundation of traditional marriage is unshakable and should not be changed – There have always been steadfast rules to marriage, many of which have been based on biblical admissions and prophecies that allow us to live in a Godly manner. For example, women are still property and forced to obey the men they marry, men are able to marry more than one woman, and blacks are not able to marry whites, because that would be a sin just as gay marriage is.

9. If gay marriages are allowed, schools will teach that in sex education, and we all know how damaging that can be – If schools have to teach the fact that nothing is wrong with homosexuality then kids will assume that it is okay to try such harmful activities. As you know, this will lead to things like kids having sex younger and younger, including children giving oral sex as young as 6th grade. On the bright side, teen pregnancy would naturally go down and fewer babies would be thrown in dumpsters because when everyone becomes gay in high school they won’t have to worry about getting someone pregnant or finding ways to get rid of the baby.

10. Gay marriage leads to polygamy – While polygamy was once normal, and in some cultures still is, the rise of gay marriages would bring the practice back as if it were a fetish. Naturally, if gay men cannot decide on one lover, instead of looking like a slouch they will just marry all of their lovers! This will make them appear committed, even if it is to 50 husbands at once.

11. Homosexual sensitivity training will be required for all government workers and caregivers – If we say that it is okay to be homosexual then that means all teachers, caregivers, and government workers will have to stop being prejudice. They will have to learn and understand that gay people are people, too and will have to treat them like humans. This is just completely unreasonable, especially if they choose to believe that they are not people, but instead, aliens or something else that is not human. These workers should be able to discriminate as they see fit, but gay marriage really ruins all that for them.

12. If gays are allowed equal rights it will cost the government more money – Think of all the added money they will have to pay in giving homosexual spouses the rights they deserve by not cheating them out of their husband/wives social security money. They will have to give money to the children of a parent that dies even though the other homosexual parent will be alive to take care of the children. Naturally, we should penalize the children and spouses and keep this money for more important things like fighting wars and inflating the paychecks of politicians.

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